You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise: you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely…For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:1-3,13,16

Monday, January 17, 2011

Not my intentions...

    Here I am one day after saying that I was going to talk about any other aspect of my life besides the baby situation, but I feel like I need to address anyone who has seen my posts through Facebook and has mixed feelings about me sharing something so personal.
    First, THANK YOU to each and every person that has in some way sent me supportive notes or calls or whatever. There is no way for me to explain the importance of that support and the prayers that you are offering up on our behalf.  It means so much just to hear you say that you are thinking about us.
    Second, for all of you who might be wondering why I chose to tell the world this way and feel somehow slighted that I didn't call you and tell you…here's why.  While I am not a private person, I have found that, despite the fact that it is on my mind constantly, it is difficult for me to talk about the situation. Telling the story fifty times is not easy and doesn't get easier. It doesn't mean that I didn't think you were a close enough friend to call or that I couldn't trust you…it means I couldn't get it together enough to put it into conversation.  Sometimes it is easier to keep it on the inside and pretend nothing is wrong than to turn into a blubbering idiot in front of each of your friends.  And there is another issue---guilt. I don't want to burden anyone with guilt, whether it be one of the many friends of mine who are anywhere in the process of conceiving, or pregnant, or raising their own precious children.  I am going to let you in on a secret..the more people in my situation I talk to the more I realize this is normal…you can judge me if you want..we can't help being jealous and hurt by things that others get so easily.  It is hard to hear someone say that they got pregnant accidentally or that they didn't really want another child. We can't help it but that doesn't mean we want to feel that way or that we don't hate ourselves for it.  So I don't want you to have guilt over what is the most special time in your life. I care about you too much.
   Someone I respect very much who has also been through this plus more trials and tribulations, explained to me that I needed to talk to someone about my feelings and that it would be healthy for me to get out all the feelings I have pent up. She said that her bog has been very therapeutic and even though I am only three days in, I feel the same way.  Now that I am finally ready to share--it feels good to get it out.
    And finally I want to tell you that if you are not in this situation or don't care to hear about it…it's okay with me that you don't read. I think that I don't want to burden anyone with the details of my life unless they want to know them. So I understand if it is too much for you.
    I am so thankful to have Godly friends and family who are praying and encouraging me every day. God is so good…ALL THE TIME.  He is so sweet. He is constantly sending me ladies who don't know my situation at all to encourage me by telling me that they once had trouble or tried for years to have children and now have six kids.  That is not coincidence…THAT is GOD.  And each day when he blesses me with that one person to comment, it's him giving me strength to get through the next day. I love that about him and I believe that is his way of answering me. He says,"Not now child, but soon." and I might cry and beg and plead but he knows my future and the future of my children and his plan is so much better than what I even know how to pray for.
Thanks for listening.


  1. Alisa,
    I feel your pain as if you are my own daughter and remember my own experiences of easily conceiving the first time, waiting [longing] a year for it to happen the second and miscarrying the third followed six months later by a successful pregnancy. Infertility/conception issues are common but that in no way makes them easier to deal with.
    I, for one, appreciate you sharing your heart in this way so that I can pray for you. It's the responsibility and privilege we have as Christians to bear one another's burdens.
    When it's time for a baby shower, I want to be the first to sign up for hostess privileges!
    I'm so proud of you for sharing and for trusting God who only has the best plans for your life.
    Love you, Lesa Caldwell

  2. Alisa, Just wanted you to know that I have been praying for you and will continue to pray for you. It is hard to understand why things happen the way that they do. (I know that I ask this question a lot when I had a miscarriage) but God has a plan and some day you will be able to look back and see just how he wanted your beautiful life to unfold. Don't allow Satan to run wild in your mind. Pick a scripture out that you like and when thoughts creep into your head start to quote the verse. This helps me.
    I love you and will keep praying!

  3. I'm so happy that you're doing this!! I know how much it helps me and I think that you put feelings I've had in to even better words than I could!!! That whole thing on guilt is so very hard, and it's truly and lose/lose situation!!! You know I'm praying for you and KNOWING that God will provide, you're right sometimes He says "Not now child, but soon!". Beautiful, your blog, you and your spirit!!!

  4. I believe in God and I am thankful for all that he has given me. Just so you know I have never been in your shoes but God gave me a heart for the baby lost mothers in our world. I follow so many with my For Your Tears blog where I mail out a handkerchief to catch your tears. If you would like one please let me know. Take care and God Bless.