You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise: you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely…For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:1-3,13,16

Saturday, January 15, 2011

It's History

    I guess it makes sense to start about a year and a half ago, June of 2009. That was about the time that my husband and I decided that I would discontinue birth control and try to get pregnant with our first child. At the time we had been married for two and a half years and both of us were employed full time and just really living life to the fullest. The beginning of June saw us planning for a trip with my Dad on an adventure hunting trip to northern Canada on a bear-hunt.  It was a LOT of fun. I won't go into the details of the trip now but at the time I thought, "How cool would it be to tell our future child they were conceived in such a special situation. Of course, even then I knew that wouldn't happen---no one gets pregnant the month they quit taking the pill and I figured it could take some time to get back to normal, all the reason to go ahead and quit.
    Fast-forward a year to June 2010, still taking tests every month, still trying to get pregnant and what do you know...planning another vacation. This time our trip was a 5 day drive up the California coast. We flew into San Diego and drove up to Portland.  The day we left for our trip was my day to take the pregnancy test for the month. At this point, I had seen so many negatives I barely wanted to take the test...but suddenly there were two lines. Faint. But two lines! I ran into the other room, shook my sleeping husband and pushed the stick in his face. "What do you see?" "What does that mean?" he said, after looking at it.  "Two lines, " I gushed, "That's positive." He just grinned.  I took another another one that night with more firm results and we were sure it was true!  Our trip was great but uneventful. The only hiccup was that we canceled our plans for a wine tour and I had to find another treat than my usual sugar-free Red Bull.  A small price to pay for this wonderful little one.  From the first minute I saw the test, I started praying, thanking God for this tiny miracle and telling him that the baby was his already and thanking him for letting me take care of it.
    We told my parents, brother and sister-in-law(who was also pregnant), and one set of friends (my best friend had called me on the trip because she knew my cycle so well) but no one else.  About two days after we arrived home, I started bleeding, just a little at first, then more and more. I called my OB/GYN to schedule an appointment and asked them about what to do, several times. They told me several times not to worry and not to come in.  Finally, after 3 days of bleeding, my mom called and told them we were coming in and that we needed to be seen.  Long story short...they told me to cancel my trip out of town for the weekend, the tiny little circle on the ultrasound screen wasn't complete and they thought I would miscarry over the weekend. And I did. I went home and called every prayer warrior that I felt comfortable to cry to and asked them to pray that I wouldn't miscarry. But I did.
    I was able to stay home in bed for a few days but by coincidence the shower I was planning for my (also pregnant) best friend was the day after I miscarried... at my house.  And there was no way I wasn't going to have it and make sure it was fabulous.  I had done all the planning, my mom came over and cleaned my house and I just showed up.  It went off without a hitch, despite my devastation over the loss I was able to be happy for her and just carry on.  But now several people knew, including some people at work and that was tough. Everyone was very sensitive but I just felt like everyone was looking at me with pity.  That motivated me more to just get back to trying.
    Without too much detail, I had a horrible experience at the doctor's office and I made up my mind to visit a new doctor and start fresh with her. Emphasis on the her. With lots of prayer and time, I picked myself up and went on. I felt confident that God would bless me for giving him that child before it was formed. I felt that he had given me the desire for a child and that he would honor and bless that prayer if I honored him with my faith.  We started trying again, but I started feeling worse and worse. One problem was that I couldn't help getting my hopes up each month and thinking it would happen again, like everyone told me it would. But it didn't. The other problem was I started having severe cramping and bleeding each month, reminding me why I started the pill way back when I did.  Around December, I realized I couldn't go on, I was miserable.
    I made an appointment and went in for another round of talking with my new OB/GYN.   After just talking to her about my problems, she said "I think you may have endometriosis and we need to set you up for a treatment called Laparoscopy." It was the best thing that happened to me in two years! I felt so good afterward. Even before I healed completely, I could tell a difference. At my post-op, she told me it had been pretty severe and she couldn't believe I was even walking. With endometriosis, the worst pain is during and prior to your period which explained my cramps and even the severe mood-swings I was experiencing.
    Now in January, we know we need to get me pregnant to keep the endometriosis from becoming severe again, the other treatment choices are the birth control pill (I had been treating it without knowing) or hysterectomy, so we began a fertility treatment called Clomid.  It's just a pill you take by mouth a few days during your cycle and then you ttc (That's Try To Conceive for those of you who are fortunate enough not to frequent infertility sites.) on certain days.  I think that's the only crappy part, also a sentiment expressed by a friend of mine who conceived on IVF, there is NO spontaneity at all when you are under a microscope trying to conceive. Everyday you record all the mundane details of the day hoping that somehow you will find a pattern or a plan, you ttc on certain days and not on others, and you learn to evaluate disgusting things like cervical mucous.
   Through all this, and even though we are not pregnant yet, I have learned that a baby is a miracle and not an accident. The circumstances required for conception are so specific that only a God with a plan and purpose for every life can complete such a complex and perfect process within a woman. And that's just for starters, before they ever develop or breathe air.  We are praying for our little miracle to come any time now.


  1. Every time I hear a story of loss it breaks my heart again. I can feel that pain you felt and can't believe you had a shower the next day! You're amazing!!!! I'm so glad you're sharing your story!!!

  2. I agree with Deni, I can't believe you had the shower the next day. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Praying that you will be blessed with your desires.