Fridays tend to be a little crazy at my office. It's not that it is unusually busy, but there are always the strange illnesses or diseases that come in on Friday afternoon. I always go home with my brain hurting!
Today has been no exception! I am currently in my last hour of work and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ha. Hopefully we are winding down. (by the way it dropped before I even finished writing and posting)
This weekend we will be packing and getting all of our stuff together for our ski trip. Only one day of work next week and then four vacation days. The girls are staying at my parent's house, where they will be spoiled and fattened up with table scraps. I am praying that they do not escape. That's a thought I can't even begin to think about. Anyone who knows what kind of devastation we felt when Daisy was on the loose knows that I can't go through that again. But Jesus brought that little runaway home. Wow! We really did some praying over that dog. Those girls are our children. They let us sleep in their bed(wink) and they eat our food. So I will miss them terribly while we are gone. Our standing joke is for Neil to say, "Do you think your dog will be happy to see you?" and I say, "Yes." And do you know what? They always are happy to see us. That's what makes them so great, they jump up into the air and bark and wag their tails and lick us when we come home. It doesn't matter if we are gone 5 minutes or 5 days. It's great!
I plan to post while we are gone but it won't be long because I will have to do it over my phone I think. I should be able to get some nice photos. I am bringing my "fancy" camera, a Canon with a zoom lens. I am hoping I will be able to post some shots that illustrate my husbands skiing abilities. I can't really begin to tell you about what a maniac he is on the slopes, however I will add that he learned from You-tube. That should say it all…ok well I will also say that he has NEVER used a wedge. Now that should say it all. I will either be photographing him from the bottom of the slope or from the ski lift. I prefer to take the blue slopes and do the same one over and over…slowly. That's just how I roll. I'd rather go slow and not fall than fly down the mountain full speed and break my neck.
This weekend I am working on a long post with my testimony and another big event that happened in my life that was a huge faith builder and struggle. I hope to get that posted before next week.
Anyway, I get a daily email from KLOVE with a Bible verse and I liked the one for today. I wanted to include it.
"So let us come boldly to the throne of our GRACIOUS God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find GRACE to help us when we need it most." Hebrews 4:16
Here's my two cents: It is SO true! How gracious He is! Our perfect, holy GOD allows us to come to Him…to His throne and make requests. I mentioned this week that I was really convicted about thanking and praising Him in addition to asking for things. I feel like I have had a great deal of peace in my heart over that since I have begun practicing it. Can I be honest? Praying is tough for me…I know it should be easy, people say just talk to Him like a friend. I have to concentrate on my prayers. I either fall asleep because I am lying in bed at midnight deciding to pray or I become distracted or I am too busy asking for things to hear Him talking to me. I know it's wrong but I can't get out of that habit. This week I made it a resolution to talk to Him and THANK Him before I asked for anything and guess what…every night I made it through all the way without falling asleep. I have tears in my eyes while I am typing, because I realize how wrong I have been. I wanted to do better. Not because I thought I would get something out of it, but because I believed it was what He wanted me to do. And then something cool happened…I did get something out of it. I learned HOW to pray and I feel like He can hear me when I go to His throne with the right attitude. The cool thing is that's when I pray the right way---I can feel that grace through His willingness to listen to me even though I am a sinner and I don't deserve it. We are blessed that the God of the universe allows us to come before Him and it is only through His GRACE that it is so.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Coupons
Another hobby I have since getting married is couponing. It sounds funny, but there is so much excitement in collecting all the deals and getting what you need for way less than the sticker price but you have to do a little research before you go so there is some time involved. The good thing about it is there are so many wonderful blogs you can follow that do a good deal of the work for you. What you will find is that it becomes difficult to pay retail for much after you see how much you can save. I typically do most of my shopping for household stuff like cleaners, toilet paper, toothbrushes and paste, etc at drug stores. They offer the best deals. A very basic explanation is that you choose one or two stores and watch the sales for items you use. When the items you need go on sale, you pair them with a coupon and end up with a very low price! It's even better when you can use a $5 off of $25 purchase or something like that. That enables you to use all your regular sales and coupons and then get an extra $5 off. There are lot of tricks to making it all work. None of it is dishonest, you just have to make sure you carefully read the terms of the coupons and the store policies to make sure you do it right. At the bottom of the post I am going to list all of the sites I like to look at to track sales and coupons…all of them explain things a little differently but much better than I could. You can use your google reader page to sort through and star the deals you want to do and most of the sites even pair up the coupons for you and tell you how to keep organized.
Let me show you how I worked this yesterday to get some food items I use a lot. (Once you stockpile the items you know you will use, you will always have them on hand and you should never have to buy them when they are not on sale. Sales run in cycles so you will get enough of an item to last you until the next time it goes on sale.)
Kroger is running a special where a certain list of items is Buy 10 get $5 off. If you carefully pair this with coupons you will get a nice sale. I purchased 5 cans of Rotel Tomatoes for $0.92 each, and had a coupon that was Buy 3 get 1 free. I also purchased 5 big boxes of instant Jello on sale for $1.24(saved 25 cents right off the top--usually I get the store band because it makes no difference to me on this but since the sale was for the Jell-o brand it worked out better. You have to watch this because sometimes the sale is still more than the regular price store brand.) I also had a coupon for 55cents off of 3 for the Jell-o. My total before coupons was $10.80. My coupons subtracted $1.47 and then I got $5 back for the store special for buying 10 qualifying items. I saved $6.47 and only spent $4.33 (before tax) for items I needed. Now you see how that can be addicting!
There are lots of ways to collect coupons. Many are available on-line now, they still come in the Sunday paper, and many stores have a card that you can load coupons onto that will instantly come off your ticket when you swipe and purchase the correct items. Again, the key is being sure you purchase items that qualify for the coupon and/or discount.
On occasion a deal won't work out how you planned or a cashier will give you trouble. Just remember that you are using coupons that are put out by the store and manufacturer to encourage you to try their product. They know you will use it. The store is re-imbursed for the coupons they collect. You are not hurting the store by using a coupon. Make yourself familiar with a store's policy before you go there or carry a copy in case there is a question. If you run into a problem and believe that you are in the right:
1. ALWAYS keep a positive attitude. You catch more flies with honey.
2. Ask to speak with a manager. Refer to the store policy and see #1!
3. If you are still not happy with the result email or call the corporate office and ask them to help you with the situation. and see #1!
If you still don't find your result satisfactory, never be afraid to put an item back or decide not to purchase it.
My last comment is this --always be kind and thoughtful of other shoppers and workers. If you are rolling coupons (stores such as Walgreens or CVS) don't make a whole line of shoppers wait for all of your deals. Let people go around you or make one purchase at a time. Tell the cashier you have coupons and ask if they want them first or last and Thank them when you are finished. You will start to visit stores regularly if you keep it up and cashiers will start to recognize you. You can build relationships and even friendships this way. Go online when you receive good service and praise them or email the store and mention the name of someone who went out of their way to help you. From a person who works for the public, you never get good feedback only bad and it really makes your day to hear something nice and be praised. Your favorite clerk might even get a raise because of you!
Last remember that you represent your King and Lord everywhere. Being a good steward of your family's money shows that you want to carefully utilize the resources He gives you. Being a kind and courteous shopper shows that your attitude is in the right place. Trust me-- when you act differently you will be noticed, good or bad. Let it be good and then when you get a chance, point someone to the reason for your positivity--Jesus.
My favorite sites are:
http://www.southernsavers.com
http:/hip2save.com
http://wholesomemommy.com/
http://moneysavingmethods.blogspot.com/
http://www.frugalcouponliving.com/
Happy Shopping!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sewing Trip
One thing I haven't talked much about is sewing and monogramming. I got a machine for my birthday this last year and I have really enjoyed making all kinds of things with it. At first I did a lot of monogramming for all of my friends that were having babies over the summer and fall, but my biggest projects have been making quilts. I did several for baby gifts this year and I am getting better at it. Neil and I have plans to meet our friends, Tony and Alicia, in Murphreesboro for some fishing and sewing. Last year at this time Alicia was pregnant and we made her a baby quilt. This year we will make a quilt for me but I am not really going to make it a baby quilt, I just chose a lot of bright materials and (of course) some animal print for the backing. I am super excited because we will have a great time sewing, but also Olivia, Alicia's little girl, will be there! Should be interesting how much sewing we can accomplish with a 6 1/2 month old helping! Alicia managed to give birth to Olivia on my birthday so I feel like we have an extra-special connection. Not to mention Alicia is one of my serious prayer warriors and we are so good at getting into trouble together. I miss her a lot and talking on the phone just doesn't cut it. So that will be a good time and almost can't wait. I am going to add some pics of our last trip and then I can put some of round two afterward!
Eating marshmallows. I can't go into the wilderness without s'mores!
Me and my girl, Alicia! Yes it gets confusing--even our husbands get tongue-tied!
Our fabulous first quilt! I have heard that Livi is not allowed to use it yet!
Me and Hubby--and my burned marshmallow---just right!
Eating marshmallows. I can't go into the wilderness without s'mores!
Me and my girl, Alicia! Yes it gets confusing--even our husbands get tongue-tied!
Our fabulous first quilt! I have heard that Livi is not allowed to use it yet!
Monday, January 24, 2011
While I'm Waiting...
After a pretty long weekend, I think I was on some type of emotional Clomid binge, I have decided that I will not take a pregnancy test again until I am actually late for a period. For one thing, who can afford two years worth of pregnancy tests, and for another the anxiety was driving me nuts! I just couldn't get my mind off of it all week! So my husband and mother held separate interventions and let me know that we could not continue down this road…and they were right. I knew it but I couldn't stop myself. Although I am still feeling a little down, I feel more positive and less tensed up about what some test might or might not say.
On a more positive note, I decided to participate in a women's event at my church called Women's Mentoring: Heart to Heart. I am so excited about it! Yesterday we got our matches-I was matched with a mentor and a prayer partner. At this point in my life I figured you can't have too many people praying for you! I am really excited about what God can do in my life through these ladies. I told them yesterday that I understand that God is molding me and making me his, but I really am uncomfortable and I wish He would start teaching me a different lesson soon! Evidently I am being too stubborn and haven't gotten it yet! I can't wait to share with you all He does.
Last, I have been loving a song that I downloaded a while ago by John Waller called, "While I'm Waiting." I boo-hoo every time I listen to it but I like to sing it to God. It's more of a determination and resolve before God that the singer will continue to praise and have faith in God while they wait for their prayers to be answered. Although it seems like it was made for me…I think it applies to any situation where you are asking for something and not getting an immediate answer. Enjoy!
On a more positive note, I decided to participate in a women's event at my church called Women's Mentoring: Heart to Heart. I am so excited about it! Yesterday we got our matches-I was matched with a mentor and a prayer partner. At this point in my life I figured you can't have too many people praying for you! I am really excited about what God can do in my life through these ladies. I told them yesterday that I understand that God is molding me and making me his, but I really am uncomfortable and I wish He would start teaching me a different lesson soon! Evidently I am being too stubborn and haven't gotten it yet! I can't wait to share with you all He does.
Last, I have been loving a song that I downloaded a while ago by John Waller called, "While I'm Waiting." I boo-hoo every time I listen to it but I like to sing it to God. It's more of a determination and resolve before God that the singer will continue to praise and have faith in God while they wait for their prayers to be answered. Although it seems like it was made for me…I think it applies to any situation where you are asking for something and not getting an immediate answer. Enjoy!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Torture!
WARNING---this is a little tongue-in-cheek!
I have decided that instead of water-boarding the terrorists, we could employ a new technique--similar to the process of waiting to become pregnant. I think you could make anyone go crazy this way! Here's how it would work:
First, you would tell the person that they will undergo a monthly test--maybe a blood test- where you will be looking for some protein or cell type that they have no control over. Then you tell them if you discover it there will be some type of consequence, like maybe you will cut off their arm or kill their family member. (I am not advocating that---it would never happen, but they don't know that--that's the point--It has to be something that would be important to them). The next part is the best…you tell them some of the symptoms of what you will be looking for…maybe you will get a pimple on your behind or a wart on your toe or body odor or gas or hardened stool. I guarantee that whatever it is that you tell them, they will go crazy looking for signs of it. And no matter what it was, they would have at least a few of the symptoms, develop them, or think that they might have them. Then you actually do the test every month…and then, you make them wait about two weeks to find out the result! Oh my gosh, every woman on the planet can attest to the fact that it would make a person loony in no time.
This is what we MWB go through over and over again. Not only do you have to test monthly, you have to count days, try to pretend to have spontaneous romance on specific days of the month, take pills on other days, some of us have to have shots and surgeries, and then you have to wait to take that monthly test and hope for a result that will change your life. To all you guys that live with one of us, thanks for dealing with the insanity that results!
I have decided that instead of water-boarding the terrorists, we could employ a new technique--similar to the process of waiting to become pregnant. I think you could make anyone go crazy this way! Here's how it would work:
First, you would tell the person that they will undergo a monthly test--maybe a blood test- where you will be looking for some protein or cell type that they have no control over. Then you tell them if you discover it there will be some type of consequence, like maybe you will cut off their arm or kill their family member. (I am not advocating that---it would never happen, but they don't know that--that's the point--It has to be something that would be important to them). The next part is the best…you tell them some of the symptoms of what you will be looking for…maybe you will get a pimple on your behind or a wart on your toe or body odor or gas or hardened stool. I guarantee that whatever it is that you tell them, they will go crazy looking for signs of it. And no matter what it was, they would have at least a few of the symptoms, develop them, or think that they might have them. Then you actually do the test every month…and then, you make them wait about two weeks to find out the result! Oh my gosh, every woman on the planet can attest to the fact that it would make a person loony in no time.
This is what we MWB go through over and over again. Not only do you have to test monthly, you have to count days, try to pretend to have spontaneous romance on specific days of the month, take pills on other days, some of us have to have shots and surgeries, and then you have to wait to take that monthly test and hope for a result that will change your life. To all you guys that live with one of us, thanks for dealing with the insanity that results!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thanksgiving?
Despite being able to think non-stop about taking this upcoming pregnancy test, I do have other things to do and to look forward to---We are excited to be planning a ski trip in the next couple of weeks! I am a very slow and cautious skier, but I really enjoy it. We are getting to go using points from our credit card…all those Christmas gifts for each other actually paid off-HaHaHa! I will try to post some pictures of us lying at the bottom of the mountain especially Neil when I can!
I would like to say that in light of some of the terrible things that have happened around me in the last few days, although I am pleading with God for a child and also on behalf of a few friends as well, I have not forgotten how fortunate I am. I am healthy, physically and mentally, especially now that I am not currently fighting the endometriosis!(thank you Dr. Michael) I have a very supportive husband, as well as mother and father, mother-in-law and father-in-law, and three sister-in-laws, aunts,uncles, cousins and even their husbands. I am blessed to be able to ask friends AND family for prayers. I am so thankful for all of my friends, my church, my home, my animal babies, stable finances--all of these are blessings from God. I am not saying this to brag, but to point out that in my situation there is one thing I really want because that is what I am missing---if I were in a different situation I would be trusting God for something else. We all are in need of something-we all are wanting something that we feel others have and we don't. I am making a resolution to count my blessings in prayer before I begin asking for new ones. I think God will bless me for my attitude of thanksgiving and I believe he will bless you for yours as well.
Also for all you MWB(mothers wanting babies) out there, I have heard from several different sources that you should write a very specific prayer to God about your desires, one way to do this is to first look up a few verses that are promises He has made throughout the Bible to bless His people. I already told you my favorite is Psalm 128, but there are many. (another way to do this is to look for the book Supernatural Pregnancy. A friend gave this book to me and while I don't agree with all of it for every person, I do love the scriptures and the prayers, also it is a very interesting commentary on the power of faith.) Write this prayer, your own words to God and pray it faithfully. He will bless your faithfulness. My mother-in-law put it to me like this (and I loved it): when you have a child constantly asking you, begging or pleading for something over and over again, and you are capable, you will give it to them. It's true! I don't want to be annoying but I do want to call on God and remind Him of the promises He made to me and all of his children long ago. He remembers the promises I have no doubt, but I think it pleases Him to hear us quote his word. I also think that when we pray His words aloud it blows away all of that doubt and fear that Satan tries to put into our head. His will is sovereign but the Bible shows instances where He intercedes or changes His mind because of the faithful prayers and heart of one of His children.
I would like to say that in light of some of the terrible things that have happened around me in the last few days, although I am pleading with God for a child and also on behalf of a few friends as well, I have not forgotten how fortunate I am. I am healthy, physically and mentally, especially now that I am not currently fighting the endometriosis!(thank you Dr. Michael) I have a very supportive husband, as well as mother and father, mother-in-law and father-in-law, and three sister-in-laws, aunts,uncles, cousins and even their husbands. I am blessed to be able to ask friends AND family for prayers. I am so thankful for all of my friends, my church, my home, my animal babies, stable finances--all of these are blessings from God. I am not saying this to brag, but to point out that in my situation there is one thing I really want because that is what I am missing---if I were in a different situation I would be trusting God for something else. We all are in need of something-we all are wanting something that we feel others have and we don't. I am making a resolution to count my blessings in prayer before I begin asking for new ones. I think God will bless me for my attitude of thanksgiving and I believe he will bless you for yours as well.
Also for all you MWB(mothers wanting babies) out there, I have heard from several different sources that you should write a very specific prayer to God about your desires, one way to do this is to first look up a few verses that are promises He has made throughout the Bible to bless His people. I already told you my favorite is Psalm 128, but there are many. (another way to do this is to look for the book Supernatural Pregnancy. A friend gave this book to me and while I don't agree with all of it for every person, I do love the scriptures and the prayers, also it is a very interesting commentary on the power of faith.) Write this prayer, your own words to God and pray it faithfully. He will bless your faithfulness. My mother-in-law put it to me like this (and I loved it): when you have a child constantly asking you, begging or pleading for something over and over again, and you are capable, you will give it to them. It's true! I don't want to be annoying but I do want to call on God and remind Him of the promises He made to me and all of his children long ago. He remembers the promises I have no doubt, but I think it pleases Him to hear us quote his word. I also think that when we pray His words aloud it blows away all of that doubt and fear that Satan tries to put into our head. His will is sovereign but the Bible shows instances where He intercedes or changes His mind because of the faithful prayers and heart of one of His children.
Sad news
Thank you for all your prayers for me and for my friends. I did want to say that Vanessa lost her battle with cancer last night. While all of her friends and family are sad because they no longer have her with them, I have seen that her best friend expressed the sentiment that Vanessa is now dancing in Heaven for Jesus and running on streets of gold. What a blessed assurance to have, to know that when a loved one is no longer in our presence that they are in the presence of God! It was too soon for those that were close to her and she was much to young to go. My condolences to all who loved Vanessa and all who were touched by her smile and kindness.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Prayers Please
In addition to all my buddies on here and in real life too, my current prayer list has two things that I would like to ask you to add to yours if you can.
1) Vanessa---sweet friend from church (when I was younger) with cancer---it's complicated but she is a young mother and she is fighting for her life. Please ask God to heal her so she can spend more time with that little one.
2) One of my best friends K. (I can't tell you her name or her husband's bc it could hurt the process) has a name and photo of the child they will be adopting. It is an international adoption so there are so many factors. God has already shown his face to them in this time, we just want him to continue guiding the process and bring that baby home with them soon!
Thanks--I will try to keep you posted on their status going forward.
1) Vanessa---sweet friend from church (when I was younger) with cancer---it's complicated but she is a young mother and she is fighting for her life. Please ask God to heal her so she can spend more time with that little one.
2) One of my best friends K. (I can't tell you her name or her husband's bc it could hurt the process) has a name and photo of the child they will be adopting. It is an international adoption so there are so many factors. God has already shown his face to them in this time, we just want him to continue guiding the process and bring that baby home with them soon!
Thanks--I will try to keep you posted on their status going forward.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The Promised Land
People will tell you some cliche′s at times when you are going through a difficulties, especially when they don't know what else to say to comfort you. The most common are: "God never gives us something we can't handle, lean on him and he will strengthen you," "Every situation or hard time is a chance to grow in faith and trust Him," "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord,"and "God uses the difficulties in life teach us lessons or mold us." I am not saying anything is wrong with any of these statements, in fact, the opposite: I believe they are all true. The problem is they all do very little to comfort you if you don't believe them or haven't seen it in action.
I was driving today in my car and a light bulb went off in my head. God prepared me to trust him for this exact situation. The reason I am able to believe him today is because he showed me how when I was out of options not that long ago in a totally different area of my life and HE showed me that He could bring me through.
Here's the thing, I know that you aren't going to believe me but that's okay with me. I am sitting on my bed typing on my computer and I don't have to be self-conscious here because no one is looking at me and I can say what happened and if you think I am a kook, well, I won't know about it. So here it is…
About 8 years ago, I started Optometry school (where I met my husband--a whole other miracle), totally unprepared for what I was getting into. I had breezed through high school, graduated college with a pretty high GPA, despite working and playing A LOT and studying a relatively little amount, and I had been accepted to graduate school in several locations. I decided to go into Optometry because it was the family business and my then-boyfriend had encouraged me to do it because I would have job security and it would bring me back to my home-town for work. I went into it thinking that I would breeze through just as I had every other academic endeavor.
After the first two quarters of school, I realized that I really did want to be there and that I really was willing to work for it, and I really enjoyed the clinical aspects of the job. Unfortunately, I had already dug myself into a hole that I would spend the next three years trying to get out of. Without too many details, Optometry school (which is I am sure like any other graduate program) has a way of weeding out those who don't belong. The teachers were tough, the hours were long, the material was exhaustive, and it required dedication and time. It was more than a full time job; it was life. I really think that it bonded us the way basic training bonds marines. We had to learn to group together and rely on each other and spend hours together, outside of our courses and clinic, to study.
There are a series of tests which require passage to move on to further levels in school, our National board exams. You must have passed them at a certain point to be allowed to continue with your class and the first is by-far the most difficult. It consists of random knowledge of any science you may have ever learned and very little of it is related to the eye. The study book for this test is thicker than a dictionary and has a disclaimer on the front stating that it is not a complete listing of all topics which may be covered. Our school had a very high passage rate but I managed to fail it the first time. Unfortunately for me, this failure set off something inside of me that would plague me the rest of school---PANIC ATTACKS. I never had one before and I don't think I have had one since, except in nightmares of school.
I would study until I knew the material well, then I would go to study group and answer questions that my classmates asked, and share my memorization techniques. I would know everything there was to know-to the point of quoting my notes. Then I would go and fail the test. No kidding it was like a golfer with the shanks. I couldn't get it together…every semester it was like I would barely get through it. I would leave a test in a cold sweat and have no idea what I had answered or even what questions had been asked. It was awful for me and my parents, especially my mom, who had to come up one weekend and shake me and tell me to "pull myself together!" I had lot's of people praying for me and I knew it but I had no confidence in myself and even less in God.
I had gotten so far from Him that Satan just had a hold on me and would not let go. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control." I wasn't living it. I wasn't living powerful in Him, I was living fearful and defeated. I had wandered far from God and Satan was dragging me down a path of destruction and panic and fear and I couldn't get out…until I started relying on God.
I just started praying (like we all do when we get to the bottom of the valley) and I started asking him to help me. As I started trusting in him, the weight started lifting off of me. I don't know if you can understand how heavy of a weight failure is to a Type A perfectionist, but it was heavier and longer than any marathon I have ever run. Tests came and went and I started to slowly bring my grades up, test by test, but finally I had to take that booger of a Board Exam again (number 3) and it was my last chance…despite getting good enough grades to continue passing my classes and doing awesome in clinic, I had to pass this test to continue with my class. NO PRESSURE, huh?
Well, I prayed and studied the night before the test and I really just went to God and laid it bare. I realized that I could do nothing without him, that the only way I could pass this test was if He helped me take it, and guided my hand, and gave me the knowledge I needed and the peace to think clearly. I totally left my burden at His feet. Then I packed up my stuff, got about eight study sheets together to look over while I waited for the test to start in the morning, and went to bed.
The next morning I continued to pray as I drove my little silver Saturn to the testing center. When I got to the parking lot I sat in my car and looked over my notes. I separated out three pages to bring in with me, left the rest in the car and went inside. I just sat at the desk with my hand-written notes and calmly looked at what I had written. These were just facts I had jotted down while I studied during earlier sessions and really kind of a random review. We were soon asked to put our materials away and the tests were passed out.
When time began, I started reading the first question and realized it was something I just read on my notes! I was so excited. I felt calm and confident. "Thank you God," I whispered to myself and moved on to the next question. It, too, had been on the study guide I was just reading! The next three questions were the same thing…one after one the questions looked so familiar. After the fifth or sixth question, there were some I didn't know or recognize, but it didn't matter. I was so confident and I could see the miracle God had worked to give me that boost that it carried through the whole first half of the test.
When lunch was called, I went out to my car, looked at my notes (written in my handwriting with some of those early questions right there on the page) and began weeping and crying out to God. I must have looked like a crazy person but I just really started talking to Him and crying and thanking Him for his kindness to me.
I had a limited amount of time to get lunch so I began to drive my car to Arby's to get a sandwich and as I pulled out I had the strangest feeling. I was still talking and praying, but I suddenly felt there was someone in the car with me. Now, I am not Moses; I haven't ever heard an audible voice or seen visions or dreamed of a visitor, but I promise you Jesus was in that car with me. I can't explain it other than to say that it was the feeling you have when you feel someone looking at you or standing behind you in line at the grocery store but you don't turn and look at them. Jesus was sitting in my Saturn in the passenger seat. It.. was… AWESOME!!! I know I will never have that again until I get to Heaven. I know I didn't deserve it but I know He understood my desperation and heard my cry and came to me. Jesus came and comforted me. (This is what I mean when I say He is sweet.) I would be willing to bet that if anyone had seen me driving (no one did) that it would have been like Daniel in the lion's den. I believe two people would have been seen in my car instead of just me. He was that tangible. I never looked at the passenger seat, I just kept driving.
When I got back to the testing center, He was gone. I ate, prayed again, and took the last couple review sheets into the testing center and sat down. It's hard to believe, but when the test started back the first two sections of questions were matching that mirrored a chart I had made in my notes to help me remember some key fact grouping (I think maybe some drug classes or diseases). The second group was also familiar and then a few more from my notes peppered in with some other questions. Again I was feeling so confident and trusting of God's guidance that I breezed through the second half of the test. Of course, with Jesus taking the test, I passed. I moved up with my class, easily passed all the other boards and began doing much better at school and continued excelling at clinicals. And the rest…is history, except one thing. The thing I left out.
When Jesus was in the car with me, I did feel peace, but I also got a funny feeling-- like a thought in my head. At the time, I was so worried about the test, I didn't concentrate on the thought, it just kind of flitted away. But afterward, at home, as I re-lived the experience, I remembered. The thought was that I would need this one day…that somehow this was a building block for me and that I was going to need that faith in the future... for my child. Now this is the weird part, at the time I thought that meant that I might have a special needs child, one with a handi-cap or Down Syndrome, so in my stupidity I thought maybe that means I shouldn't have children because that will be a burden. I just put that aside and decided that if I chose not to have kids, I wouldn't have to worry about it. Even though I didn't truly even know what that promise meant, I decided that I would fix it myself. After the miracle God had JUST given me, I turned into an Isrealite and decided to wander in the desert for forty years instead of letting him lead me into the promised land. Can you believe it?
In another post I told you that about two and a half years ago I started praying that if God wanted me to have children, I needed him to change my heart and my husband's. When we were married, we agreed that we didn't want children. Indefinitely. And so when I started praying, I remembered what God had told me and I said,"I need you to give me those feelings if I am meant to be a mother." Six months later he did. I started talking to Neil about it and he agreed that if we "take it slow," I could discontinue my BC.
Well, here I am six years after that miracle and the light bulb is just now going off. I sure am slow…it's a good thing God is so patient! I don't know all of the plans He has for me, but what I do know is this… He brought me out of Egypt. He parted the Red Sea. He sent a pillar of fire to guide me through the night. He showed me the promised land... You had better believe I am going to let Him lead me into it!!!
I firmly believe that when we pray, God answers. It doesn't sound like a voice…it can sound like a feeling in your heart, like a promise, or like a tugging, or it can be that person after person tells you something, something that can't be coincidence. If you are willing to see that He is orchestrating the universe then you will realize nothing is coincidence, and everything really is part of a perfect masterpiece that he is creating with the intertwining of each of our simple lives. He weaves us all in together in perfect timing so that each thread touches another at just the right spot. He leaves us with no rough edges. He binds all the seams. Every so often he looks at his work, and sometimes he has to remove a thread to make the masterpiece perfect. Sometimes He returns to add a piece. I am so grateful that He pulled me out, cut me down, braided me tighter, and wove me back into the tapestry that is His Plan.
For those who want to read the story of Moses and the Isrealites in the Desert, it can be found in the book of Exodus.
I was driving today in my car and a light bulb went off in my head. God prepared me to trust him for this exact situation. The reason I am able to believe him today is because he showed me how when I was out of options not that long ago in a totally different area of my life and HE showed me that He could bring me through.
Here's the thing, I know that you aren't going to believe me but that's okay with me. I am sitting on my bed typing on my computer and I don't have to be self-conscious here because no one is looking at me and I can say what happened and if you think I am a kook, well, I won't know about it. So here it is…
About 8 years ago, I started Optometry school (where I met my husband--a whole other miracle), totally unprepared for what I was getting into. I had breezed through high school, graduated college with a pretty high GPA, despite working and playing A LOT and studying a relatively little amount, and I had been accepted to graduate school in several locations. I decided to go into Optometry because it was the family business and my then-boyfriend had encouraged me to do it because I would have job security and it would bring me back to my home-town for work. I went into it thinking that I would breeze through just as I had every other academic endeavor.
After the first two quarters of school, I realized that I really did want to be there and that I really was willing to work for it, and I really enjoyed the clinical aspects of the job. Unfortunately, I had already dug myself into a hole that I would spend the next three years trying to get out of. Without too many details, Optometry school (which is I am sure like any other graduate program) has a way of weeding out those who don't belong. The teachers were tough, the hours were long, the material was exhaustive, and it required dedication and time. It was more than a full time job; it was life. I really think that it bonded us the way basic training bonds marines. We had to learn to group together and rely on each other and spend hours together, outside of our courses and clinic, to study.
There are a series of tests which require passage to move on to further levels in school, our National board exams. You must have passed them at a certain point to be allowed to continue with your class and the first is by-far the most difficult. It consists of random knowledge of any science you may have ever learned and very little of it is related to the eye. The study book for this test is thicker than a dictionary and has a disclaimer on the front stating that it is not a complete listing of all topics which may be covered. Our school had a very high passage rate but I managed to fail it the first time. Unfortunately for me, this failure set off something inside of me that would plague me the rest of school---PANIC ATTACKS. I never had one before and I don't think I have had one since, except in nightmares of school.
I would study until I knew the material well, then I would go to study group and answer questions that my classmates asked, and share my memorization techniques. I would know everything there was to know-to the point of quoting my notes. Then I would go and fail the test. No kidding it was like a golfer with the shanks. I couldn't get it together…every semester it was like I would barely get through it. I would leave a test in a cold sweat and have no idea what I had answered or even what questions had been asked. It was awful for me and my parents, especially my mom, who had to come up one weekend and shake me and tell me to "pull myself together!" I had lot's of people praying for me and I knew it but I had no confidence in myself and even less in God.
I had gotten so far from Him that Satan just had a hold on me and would not let go. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control." I wasn't living it. I wasn't living powerful in Him, I was living fearful and defeated. I had wandered far from God and Satan was dragging me down a path of destruction and panic and fear and I couldn't get out…until I started relying on God.
I just started praying (like we all do when we get to the bottom of the valley) and I started asking him to help me. As I started trusting in him, the weight started lifting off of me. I don't know if you can understand how heavy of a weight failure is to a Type A perfectionist, but it was heavier and longer than any marathon I have ever run. Tests came and went and I started to slowly bring my grades up, test by test, but finally I had to take that booger of a Board Exam again (number 3) and it was my last chance…despite getting good enough grades to continue passing my classes and doing awesome in clinic, I had to pass this test to continue with my class. NO PRESSURE, huh?
Well, I prayed and studied the night before the test and I really just went to God and laid it bare. I realized that I could do nothing without him, that the only way I could pass this test was if He helped me take it, and guided my hand, and gave me the knowledge I needed and the peace to think clearly. I totally left my burden at His feet. Then I packed up my stuff, got about eight study sheets together to look over while I waited for the test to start in the morning, and went to bed.
The next morning I continued to pray as I drove my little silver Saturn to the testing center. When I got to the parking lot I sat in my car and looked over my notes. I separated out three pages to bring in with me, left the rest in the car and went inside. I just sat at the desk with my hand-written notes and calmly looked at what I had written. These were just facts I had jotted down while I studied during earlier sessions and really kind of a random review. We were soon asked to put our materials away and the tests were passed out.
When time began, I started reading the first question and realized it was something I just read on my notes! I was so excited. I felt calm and confident. "Thank you God," I whispered to myself and moved on to the next question. It, too, had been on the study guide I was just reading! The next three questions were the same thing…one after one the questions looked so familiar. After the fifth or sixth question, there were some I didn't know or recognize, but it didn't matter. I was so confident and I could see the miracle God had worked to give me that boost that it carried through the whole first half of the test.
When lunch was called, I went out to my car, looked at my notes (written in my handwriting with some of those early questions right there on the page) and began weeping and crying out to God. I must have looked like a crazy person but I just really started talking to Him and crying and thanking Him for his kindness to me.
I had a limited amount of time to get lunch so I began to drive my car to Arby's to get a sandwich and as I pulled out I had the strangest feeling. I was still talking and praying, but I suddenly felt there was someone in the car with me. Now, I am not Moses; I haven't ever heard an audible voice or seen visions or dreamed of a visitor, but I promise you Jesus was in that car with me. I can't explain it other than to say that it was the feeling you have when you feel someone looking at you or standing behind you in line at the grocery store but you don't turn and look at them. Jesus was sitting in my Saturn in the passenger seat. It.. was… AWESOME!!! I know I will never have that again until I get to Heaven. I know I didn't deserve it but I know He understood my desperation and heard my cry and came to me. Jesus came and comforted me. (This is what I mean when I say He is sweet.) I would be willing to bet that if anyone had seen me driving (no one did) that it would have been like Daniel in the lion's den. I believe two people would have been seen in my car instead of just me. He was that tangible. I never looked at the passenger seat, I just kept driving.
When I got back to the testing center, He was gone. I ate, prayed again, and took the last couple review sheets into the testing center and sat down. It's hard to believe, but when the test started back the first two sections of questions were matching that mirrored a chart I had made in my notes to help me remember some key fact grouping (I think maybe some drug classes or diseases). The second group was also familiar and then a few more from my notes peppered in with some other questions. Again I was feeling so confident and trusting of God's guidance that I breezed through the second half of the test. Of course, with Jesus taking the test, I passed. I moved up with my class, easily passed all the other boards and began doing much better at school and continued excelling at clinicals. And the rest…is history, except one thing. The thing I left out.
When Jesus was in the car with me, I did feel peace, but I also got a funny feeling-- like a thought in my head. At the time, I was so worried about the test, I didn't concentrate on the thought, it just kind of flitted away. But afterward, at home, as I re-lived the experience, I remembered. The thought was that I would need this one day…that somehow this was a building block for me and that I was going to need that faith in the future... for my child. Now this is the weird part, at the time I thought that meant that I might have a special needs child, one with a handi-cap or Down Syndrome, so in my stupidity I thought maybe that means I shouldn't have children because that will be a burden. I just put that aside and decided that if I chose not to have kids, I wouldn't have to worry about it. Even though I didn't truly even know what that promise meant, I decided that I would fix it myself. After the miracle God had JUST given me, I turned into an Isrealite and decided to wander in the desert for forty years instead of letting him lead me into the promised land. Can you believe it?
In another post I told you that about two and a half years ago I started praying that if God wanted me to have children, I needed him to change my heart and my husband's. When we were married, we agreed that we didn't want children. Indefinitely. And so when I started praying, I remembered what God had told me and I said,"I need you to give me those feelings if I am meant to be a mother." Six months later he did. I started talking to Neil about it and he agreed that if we "take it slow," I could discontinue my BC.
Well, here I am six years after that miracle and the light bulb is just now going off. I sure am slow…it's a good thing God is so patient! I don't know all of the plans He has for me, but what I do know is this… He brought me out of Egypt. He parted the Red Sea. He sent a pillar of fire to guide me through the night. He showed me the promised land... You had better believe I am going to let Him lead me into it!!!
I firmly believe that when we pray, God answers. It doesn't sound like a voice…it can sound like a feeling in your heart, like a promise, or like a tugging, or it can be that person after person tells you something, something that can't be coincidence. If you are willing to see that He is orchestrating the universe then you will realize nothing is coincidence, and everything really is part of a perfect masterpiece that he is creating with the intertwining of each of our simple lives. He weaves us all in together in perfect timing so that each thread touches another at just the right spot. He leaves us with no rough edges. He binds all the seams. Every so often he looks at his work, and sometimes he has to remove a thread to make the masterpiece perfect. Sometimes He returns to add a piece. I am so grateful that He pulled me out, cut me down, braided me tighter, and wove me back into the tapestry that is His Plan.
For those who want to read the story of Moses and the Isrealites in the Desert, it can be found in the book of Exodus.
Monday, January 17, 2011
My verse
My aunt encouraged me to quote a verse when Satan is on attack with my spirit. I want to give you my verse so that anyone who wants to claim it for themselves and call on God and his promises can use it as well.
"Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord." Psalm 128:1-4…AMEN. That pretty much says it doesn't it?
I also want to give a big shout out to MAMA MIA jewelry on Facebook. She has a site on Etsy.com and at a time when I was really low… I won a contest on her site for a free necklace and she etched Psalm 128 on it for me so that I could wear it as a reminder of this promise from God.
"Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord." Psalm 128:1-4…AMEN. That pretty much says it doesn't it?
I also want to give a big shout out to MAMA MIA jewelry on Facebook. She has a site on Etsy.com and at a time when I was really low… I won a contest on her site for a free necklace and she etched Psalm 128 on it for me so that I could wear it as a reminder of this promise from God.
Not my intentions...
Here I am one day after saying that I was going to talk about any other aspect of my life besides the baby situation, but I feel like I need to address anyone who has seen my posts through Facebook and has mixed feelings about me sharing something so personal.
First, THANK YOU to each and every person that has in some way sent me supportive notes or calls or whatever. There is no way for me to explain the importance of that support and the prayers that you are offering up on our behalf. It means so much just to hear you say that you are thinking about us.
Second, for all of you who might be wondering why I chose to tell the world this way and feel somehow slighted that I didn't call you and tell you…here's why. While I am not a private person, I have found that, despite the fact that it is on my mind constantly, it is difficult for me to talk about the situation. Telling the story fifty times is not easy and doesn't get easier. It doesn't mean that I didn't think you were a close enough friend to call or that I couldn't trust you…it means I couldn't get it together enough to put it into conversation. Sometimes it is easier to keep it on the inside and pretend nothing is wrong than to turn into a blubbering idiot in front of each of your friends. And there is another issue---guilt. I don't want to burden anyone with guilt, whether it be one of the many friends of mine who are anywhere in the process of conceiving, or pregnant, or raising their own precious children. I am going to let you in on a secret..the more people in my situation I talk to the more I realize this is normal…you can judge me if you want..we can't help being jealous and hurt by things that others get so easily. It is hard to hear someone say that they got pregnant accidentally or that they didn't really want another child. We can't help it but that doesn't mean we want to feel that way or that we don't hate ourselves for it. So I don't want you to have guilt over what is the most special time in your life. I care about you too much.
Someone I respect very much who has also been through this plus more trials and tribulations, explained to me that I needed to talk to someone about my feelings and that it would be healthy for me to get out all the feelings I have pent up. She said that her bog has been very therapeutic and even though I am only three days in, I feel the same way. Now that I am finally ready to share--it feels good to get it out.
And finally I want to tell you that if you are not in this situation or don't care to hear about it…it's okay with me that you don't read. I think that I don't want to burden anyone with the details of my life unless they want to know them. So I understand if it is too much for you.
I am so thankful to have Godly friends and family who are praying and encouraging me every day. God is so good…ALL THE TIME. He is so sweet. He is constantly sending me ladies who don't know my situation at all to encourage me by telling me that they once had trouble or tried for years to have children and now have six kids. That is not coincidence…THAT is GOD. And each day when he blesses me with that one person to comment, it's him giving me strength to get through the next day. I love that about him and I believe that is his way of answering me. He says,"Not now child, but soon." and I might cry and beg and plead but he knows my future and the future of my children and his plan is so much better than what I even know how to pray for.
Thanks for listening.
First, THANK YOU to each and every person that has in some way sent me supportive notes or calls or whatever. There is no way for me to explain the importance of that support and the prayers that you are offering up on our behalf. It means so much just to hear you say that you are thinking about us.
Second, for all of you who might be wondering why I chose to tell the world this way and feel somehow slighted that I didn't call you and tell you…here's why. While I am not a private person, I have found that, despite the fact that it is on my mind constantly, it is difficult for me to talk about the situation. Telling the story fifty times is not easy and doesn't get easier. It doesn't mean that I didn't think you were a close enough friend to call or that I couldn't trust you…it means I couldn't get it together enough to put it into conversation. Sometimes it is easier to keep it on the inside and pretend nothing is wrong than to turn into a blubbering idiot in front of each of your friends. And there is another issue---guilt. I don't want to burden anyone with guilt, whether it be one of the many friends of mine who are anywhere in the process of conceiving, or pregnant, or raising their own precious children. I am going to let you in on a secret..the more people in my situation I talk to the more I realize this is normal…you can judge me if you want..we can't help being jealous and hurt by things that others get so easily. It is hard to hear someone say that they got pregnant accidentally or that they didn't really want another child. We can't help it but that doesn't mean we want to feel that way or that we don't hate ourselves for it. So I don't want you to have guilt over what is the most special time in your life. I care about you too much.
Someone I respect very much who has also been through this plus more trials and tribulations, explained to me that I needed to talk to someone about my feelings and that it would be healthy for me to get out all the feelings I have pent up. She said that her bog has been very therapeutic and even though I am only three days in, I feel the same way. Now that I am finally ready to share--it feels good to get it out.
And finally I want to tell you that if you are not in this situation or don't care to hear about it…it's okay with me that you don't read. I think that I don't want to burden anyone with the details of my life unless they want to know them. So I understand if it is too much for you.
I am so thankful to have Godly friends and family who are praying and encouraging me every day. God is so good…ALL THE TIME. He is so sweet. He is constantly sending me ladies who don't know my situation at all to encourage me by telling me that they once had trouble or tried for years to have children and now have six kids. That is not coincidence…THAT is GOD. And each day when he blesses me with that one person to comment, it's him giving me strength to get through the next day. I love that about him and I believe that is his way of answering me. He says,"Not now child, but soon." and I might cry and beg and plead but he knows my future and the future of my children and his plan is so much better than what I even know how to pray for.
Thanks for listening.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Waiting Game
Yesterday was busy-my mom and I held a garage sale, while it was raining, at my house and made a little extra cash. Then I warmed up with a hot bath and a nap in my new really comfy bed, then I got to keep the babies in the nursey at church!
Today was a great day despite rain outside. We went to church this morning and even out to eat at my favorite sushi restaurant. This was my day to give blood at the hospital and it went as well as it could have--had to check in at ER which was pretty busy but still took less than an hour and everyone was very nice. The point of this test is to test my progesterone levels---making sure the Clomid did what it was supposed to do.
So this week will truly be a waiting game to see what was accomplished this first month on Clomid. This is the worst part of the month for me because there is nothing I can do to move things along. This is the part that really forces me to pray and seek God and ask for him to supply me patience and strength. I have watched so many people go through their own struggle with trying to conceive and there is really just no way to describe it.
I am going to do my best to address all the other parts of my life during this week to keep my mind off of the waiting ahead!
Today was a great day despite rain outside. We went to church this morning and even out to eat at my favorite sushi restaurant. This was my day to give blood at the hospital and it went as well as it could have--had to check in at ER which was pretty busy but still took less than an hour and everyone was very nice. The point of this test is to test my progesterone levels---making sure the Clomid did what it was supposed to do.
So this week will truly be a waiting game to see what was accomplished this first month on Clomid. This is the worst part of the month for me because there is nothing I can do to move things along. This is the part that really forces me to pray and seek God and ask for him to supply me patience and strength. I have watched so many people go through their own struggle with trying to conceive and there is really just no way to describe it.
I am going to do my best to address all the other parts of my life during this week to keep my mind off of the waiting ahead!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
It's History
I guess it makes sense to start about a year and a half ago, June of 2009. That was about the time that my husband and I decided that I would discontinue birth control and try to get pregnant with our first child. At the time we had been married for two and a half years and both of us were employed full time and just really living life to the fullest. The beginning of June saw us planning for a trip with my Dad on an adventure hunting trip to northern Canada on a bear-hunt. It was a LOT of fun. I won't go into the details of the trip now but at the time I thought, "How cool would it be to tell our future child they were conceived in such a special situation. Of course, even then I knew that wouldn't happen---no one gets pregnant the month they quit taking the pill and I figured it could take some time to get back to normal, all the reason to go ahead and quit.
Fast-forward a year to June 2010, still taking tests every month, still trying to get pregnant and what do you know...planning another vacation. This time our trip was a 5 day drive up the California coast. We flew into San Diego and drove up to Portland. The day we left for our trip was my day to take the pregnancy test for the month. At this point, I had seen so many negatives I barely wanted to take the test...but suddenly there were two lines. Faint. But two lines! I ran into the other room, shook my sleeping husband and pushed the stick in his face. "What do you see?" "What does that mean?" he said, after looking at it. "Two lines, " I gushed, "That's positive." He just grinned. I took another another one that night with more firm results and we were sure it was true! Our trip was great but uneventful. The only hiccup was that we canceled our plans for a wine tour and I had to find another treat than my usual sugar-free Red Bull. A small price to pay for this wonderful little one. From the first minute I saw the test, I started praying, thanking God for this tiny miracle and telling him that the baby was his already and thanking him for letting me take care of it.
We told my parents, brother and sister-in-law(who was also pregnant), and one set of friends (my best friend had called me on the trip because she knew my cycle so well) but no one else. About two days after we arrived home, I started bleeding, just a little at first, then more and more. I called my OB/GYN to schedule an appointment and asked them about what to do, several times. They told me several times not to worry and not to come in. Finally, after 3 days of bleeding, my mom called and told them we were coming in and that we needed to be seen. Long story short...they told me to cancel my trip out of town for the weekend, the tiny little circle on the ultrasound screen wasn't complete and they thought I would miscarry over the weekend. And I did. I went home and called every prayer warrior that I felt comfortable to cry to and asked them to pray that I wouldn't miscarry. But I did.
I was able to stay home in bed for a few days but by coincidence the shower I was planning for my (also pregnant) best friend was the day after I miscarried... at my house. And there was no way I wasn't going to have it and make sure it was fabulous. I had done all the planning, my mom came over and cleaned my house and I just showed up. It went off without a hitch, despite my devastation over the loss I was able to be happy for her and just carry on. But now several people knew, including some people at work and that was tough. Everyone was very sensitive but I just felt like everyone was looking at me with pity. That motivated me more to just get back to trying.
Without too much detail, I had a horrible experience at the doctor's office and I made up my mind to visit a new doctor and start fresh with her. Emphasis on the her. With lots of prayer and time, I picked myself up and went on. I felt confident that God would bless me for giving him that child before it was formed. I felt that he had given me the desire for a child and that he would honor and bless that prayer if I honored him with my faith. We started trying again, but I started feeling worse and worse. One problem was that I couldn't help getting my hopes up each month and thinking it would happen again, like everyone told me it would. But it didn't. The other problem was I started having severe cramping and bleeding each month, reminding me why I started the pill way back when I did. Around December, I realized I couldn't go on, I was miserable.
I made an appointment and went in for another round of talking with my new OB/GYN. After just talking to her about my problems, she said "I think you may have endometriosis and we need to set you up for a treatment called Laparoscopy." It was the best thing that happened to me in two years! I felt so good afterward. Even before I healed completely, I could tell a difference. At my post-op, she told me it had been pretty severe and she couldn't believe I was even walking. With endometriosis, the worst pain is during and prior to your period which explained my cramps and even the severe mood-swings I was experiencing.
Now in January, we know we need to get me pregnant to keep the endometriosis from becoming severe again, the other treatment choices are the birth control pill (I had been treating it without knowing) or hysterectomy, so we began a fertility treatment called Clomid. It's just a pill you take by mouth a few days during your cycle and then you ttc (That's Try To Conceive for those of you who are fortunate enough not to frequent infertility sites.) on certain days. I think that's the only crappy part, also a sentiment expressed by a friend of mine who conceived on IVF, there is NO spontaneity at all when you are under a microscope trying to conceive. Everyday you record all the mundane details of the day hoping that somehow you will find a pattern or a plan, you ttc on certain days and not on others, and you learn to evaluate disgusting things like cervical mucous.
Through all this, and even though we are not pregnant yet, I have learned that a baby is a miracle and not an accident. The circumstances required for conception are so specific that only a God with a plan and purpose for every life can complete such a complex and perfect process within a woman. And that's just for starters, before they ever develop or breathe air. We are praying for our little miracle to come any time now.
Fast-forward a year to June 2010, still taking tests every month, still trying to get pregnant and what do you know...planning another vacation. This time our trip was a 5 day drive up the California coast. We flew into San Diego and drove up to Portland. The day we left for our trip was my day to take the pregnancy test for the month. At this point, I had seen so many negatives I barely wanted to take the test...but suddenly there were two lines. Faint. But two lines! I ran into the other room, shook my sleeping husband and pushed the stick in his face. "What do you see?" "What does that mean?" he said, after looking at it. "Two lines, " I gushed, "That's positive." He just grinned. I took another another one that night with more firm results and we were sure it was true! Our trip was great but uneventful. The only hiccup was that we canceled our plans for a wine tour and I had to find another treat than my usual sugar-free Red Bull. A small price to pay for this wonderful little one. From the first minute I saw the test, I started praying, thanking God for this tiny miracle and telling him that the baby was his already and thanking him for letting me take care of it.
We told my parents, brother and sister-in-law(who was also pregnant), and one set of friends (my best friend had called me on the trip because she knew my cycle so well) but no one else. About two days after we arrived home, I started bleeding, just a little at first, then more and more. I called my OB/GYN to schedule an appointment and asked them about what to do, several times. They told me several times not to worry and not to come in. Finally, after 3 days of bleeding, my mom called and told them we were coming in and that we needed to be seen. Long story short...they told me to cancel my trip out of town for the weekend, the tiny little circle on the ultrasound screen wasn't complete and they thought I would miscarry over the weekend. And I did. I went home and called every prayer warrior that I felt comfortable to cry to and asked them to pray that I wouldn't miscarry. But I did.
I was able to stay home in bed for a few days but by coincidence the shower I was planning for my (also pregnant) best friend was the day after I miscarried... at my house. And there was no way I wasn't going to have it and make sure it was fabulous. I had done all the planning, my mom came over and cleaned my house and I just showed up. It went off without a hitch, despite my devastation over the loss I was able to be happy for her and just carry on. But now several people knew, including some people at work and that was tough. Everyone was very sensitive but I just felt like everyone was looking at me with pity. That motivated me more to just get back to trying.
Without too much detail, I had a horrible experience at the doctor's office and I made up my mind to visit a new doctor and start fresh with her. Emphasis on the her. With lots of prayer and time, I picked myself up and went on. I felt confident that God would bless me for giving him that child before it was formed. I felt that he had given me the desire for a child and that he would honor and bless that prayer if I honored him with my faith. We started trying again, but I started feeling worse and worse. One problem was that I couldn't help getting my hopes up each month and thinking it would happen again, like everyone told me it would. But it didn't. The other problem was I started having severe cramping and bleeding each month, reminding me why I started the pill way back when I did. Around December, I realized I couldn't go on, I was miserable.
I made an appointment and went in for another round of talking with my new OB/GYN. After just talking to her about my problems, she said "I think you may have endometriosis and we need to set you up for a treatment called Laparoscopy." It was the best thing that happened to me in two years! I felt so good afterward. Even before I healed completely, I could tell a difference. At my post-op, she told me it had been pretty severe and she couldn't believe I was even walking. With endometriosis, the worst pain is during and prior to your period which explained my cramps and even the severe mood-swings I was experiencing.
Now in January, we know we need to get me pregnant to keep the endometriosis from becoming severe again, the other treatment choices are the birth control pill (I had been treating it without knowing) or hysterectomy, so we began a fertility treatment called Clomid. It's just a pill you take by mouth a few days during your cycle and then you ttc (That's Try To Conceive for those of you who are fortunate enough not to frequent infertility sites.) on certain days. I think that's the only crappy part, also a sentiment expressed by a friend of mine who conceived on IVF, there is NO spontaneity at all when you are under a microscope trying to conceive. Everyday you record all the mundane details of the day hoping that somehow you will find a pattern or a plan, you ttc on certain days and not on others, and you learn to evaluate disgusting things like cervical mucous.
Through all this, and even though we are not pregnant yet, I have learned that a baby is a miracle and not an accident. The circumstances required for conception are so specific that only a God with a plan and purpose for every life can complete such a complex and perfect process within a woman. And that's just for starters, before they ever develop or breathe air. We are praying for our little miracle to come any time now.
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