You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise: you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely…For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:1-3,13,16

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

God doesn't make mistakes

There is no such thing as a child that is a mistake…God doesn't have accidents and he doesn't make mistakes.  Every child that is born was intended to be a perfect child of God.  There are women everywhere praying to become mothers and there are babies and children everywhere who are desperate for the love of a mother and father. A friend of mine used to say "every kettle has a lid." I believe that God intends every child he creates to have a mother and father and it breaks my heart that because of our fallen sinful world, that doesn't always happen. Every child is a gift from God. Those who don't so easily become pregnant know this so well. Remember this the next time someone tells you that their child was an accident…God doesn't make mistakes.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

ELI Three months

Elijah is 3 months old today (12 weeks). He is becoming much more animated and smiles all the time.  He loves to lie on his back and look at his mobile in his bed or watch toys dangle above him.  He likes to listen to books before bedtime and laughs as if he understands the jokes.  He has found his hands and constantly puts his fingers in his mouth or sucks on the side of his index finger or thumbs.  He is ticklish and curls up when you tickle or stroke his tummy.  He is having much less trouble with gas, although sometimes he has gassy days, he does not act in pain like he used to act. He is sleeping in his own bed at least part of every night.  He goes to sleep well in his own bed and usually will go back down in his own bed after eating during the night as well. I have to say I miss him in my room and sometimes don't bring him back to his bed after nursing him because I want him to stay in our room!  Last weekend we had to attend the funeral of a 10 month old little girl, named Samantha. I won't tell her story but she wasn't supposed to die.  After that, all I have wanted to do is hold Eli and thank the Lord for him constantly.  I just want to hold him and kiss him and soak up all of the baby loving I can while he is little and will still let me kiss him or while he is too small to get away! I keep trying to remind myself of the fact that he is only mine to care for and love, but that I made a promise to God that he would always be His.  I promised to raise him to love the Lord. I plan to be the best example I can be. Eli will be dedicated to the Lord in January and although He has always been the Lord's child, at his dedication I will make that promise public.  He is such a blessing to my life. There is no better thing than seeing the smile on his face. I live for that little toothless grin!
my little reindeer

cute little grin

very serious

sweet smile

silly face

Merry Christmas!

added a little snow to that tiny hi-nee

another funny face (wondering how many more pictures his mommy is going to be taking)

Sweet baby boy! (look at that dimple)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


I can't believe it's already December!  Eli is officially 10 WEEKS old! First I will tell you about his 2 mo visit to the doctor. He actually went at 9 weeks of age.  He cried with his shots of course but then he was so good.  He just wanted to sleep that night.  In addition to 2 shots in one leg and 1 in the other leg, he also got a painful procedure on his little penis! Yikes.  It's fine now but I just felt so sorry for him with all that torture!  We also talked to her about the gas situation.  She gave us something to try…something I would consider worse than gas…but anyway when he is having bad gas we are supposed to stimulate his little bottom to try to help him go.  It has seemed to help a little but also in general he seems to be better.  I think that since it has been a full 3 weeks now that I have been lactose free all of the milk is out of my system and out of his and that may be helping too.  There is an option to put him on a prescription medicine but the doctor recommended using that as a last resort.  It is used as for stomach cramping in adults so I assume a muscle relaxer.  So as long as he is making progress we won't pursue the rx. I am hoping that like most babies, by four months he will be much better and able to go more smoothly.  He weighed 11 lbs 1 oz (25-50%) and was 24 inches long (50%).

Yesterday was the next big event since he arrived. I had to start back to work.  I am fortunate though, only part-time.  It was very difficult to leave but once I got there I was able to work.  I was happy to return home and I missed having him close to me!  I was able to pump at work and so I will keep my milk supply up.  Eli did well with my mom keeping him.  She fed him two bottles and he ate them with no trouble.  Also he slept well and even took a nap in his bed.  She was nice enough to make us supper also! The worst part of the day was when I was getting ready for work and I kicked Eli's bouncy chair.  The room was dark and I banged into it.  He was in the bed sleeping so I had to be quiet but I fell down to the floor and rolled around for a little while.  I limped around work all day and joked with Neil that it hurt so badly that I couldn't think about missing Eli.  (I really did miss him) My toe is broken, it's the middle toe and it is black and blue but not as painful as it was yesterday.  I will be able to walk a little better tomorrow!

I will be working Tuesdays and Thursdays for December and then I plan to go to three days a week after that. I am hoping that I will be able to stay at 3.  Here's hoping!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Getting things done

   Last week and continuing this week, I have been putting emphasis for myself on getting things done around the house: helping with cleaning, dinner, personal hygiene, clipping coupons again, taking care of the dogs, helping with dinner and even starting to work out again.  I am incredibly excited to start working out again, whether it is running or working out with Neil.  That is one thing that we have bonded over whether it is P90x or Insanity, which I am really looking forward to trying, we both do better when we work out together and when we have a goal to work toward.
   Last Friday, I finally got a real bath, including shaving everywhere that needed shaving, not just armpits, washing my hair, and even scrubbing my face with exfoliators.  It was fabulous.  Eli is a good sleeper, but  I was having trouble managing my time.  I would jump in and out of the shower if I had a chance to do that or I would watch him sleep or hold him instead of getting something done.  I am learning to allow him to fall asleep in his bouncy chair or put him in his bed and not hover over him.  It's tough though I just want to kiss every inch of his face every five minutes.  I can't imagine being more in love…(as much as I love my husband--this little guy is still so perfect in my eyes--he is an amazing combination of the both of us) I want to spend every second taking care of him and showering love on him.  But I also know it is important for Neil and I to have couple time and we have been on a few dates, letting my mom keep him for us.  That is helping me to mentally prepare for the big step of going back to work.  I am starting slow-two days a week- but that is overwhelming to me!  It will be helpful in getting back to normal though.
   Yesterday I took the giant step of going through my closet (continuing today) and getting out the maternity clothes for storage and exchanging my summer for winter clothes.  Then I got to try on those winter clothes to determine if I had anything to wear.  The answer was…not much.  The things that fit definitely looked different.  I am not complaining.  Eli was worth every pound and every ounce of sweat it takes me to get back in shape.  I just know my body is a totally unrecognizable to me.  I can't wear the same types of things or sizes I used to.  Some of it is my Dolly Parton boobs, the other seems to be a combination of hips/thighs.  I have always had some body issues--enjoying my pregnancy belly was a learning process but it was so special because of the blessing that was growing inside.  Now there's nothing in there but uterus and fat stores.  Looking in the mirror, I hardly recognize the mom-body that I see.  Some of that is miraculous…the amazing ability to make milk and feed my baby..some people are unable to breast feed and so I feel completely blessed for the abundance of milk. Some is just a product of too much yogurt and expanded hips that had to carry around this peanut.  So I get to shop for some temporary clothes (I hope) to wear for now.
   On the Eli front…the gas had really begun to be a problem, he was in severe pain, shrieking and crying out when he toots and tries to poop.  It was heart-breaking.  It continued despite my giving him milocon, watching my diet, and burping him during feedings.  After calling the doctor's office, I learned I am supposed to give milocon prior to feeding not after or during which is what I was doing. (duh…I am a moron.) Also they encouraged me to do dairy free as well as watch for all of the foods that can cause gas in infants--cabbage, cucumber, peppers, citrus, caffeine, carbonated beverages and pretty much anything that could give me gas or that I am allergic to…whew that doesn't leave a lot.  HOWEVER, when I am SO careful my Eli is a different baby…I made an agreement with myself that I would try their advice through the weekend…Friday was tough, I almost gave up, but then Saturday there was no crying at poop time and no tooting! Sunday was great also. Both nights were 4+ hours of sleep at a time because he wasn't waking up with gas and he slept in the packn' play without crying, putting himself to sleep.  So it is officially worth it!  I am on the most non-productive diet on the planet. It makes my baby happy though so I will do it.  I just have to learn what I am allowed to have and plan my meals better in advance…and hope he grows out of this like most babies who have allergies.  I feel certain it is the milk as I had a little lapse in judgement and ate something that had milk mixed into it…and we experienced a little setback this morning because of it.  I wouldn't have gone down the dairy road except that I have a cousin who had two little ones with milk sensitivities. Both of her kids grew out of it and she did formula with one and nursed the other.  I am committed to nursing but I am definitely going to do my best to find out for sure which foods are to blame through process of elimination or testing if necessary.
   Luckily, he is a great eater despite his discomfort. He has certainly gained weight and is thriving.  This morning he woke up in a great mood and smiled and flirted with me for a few hours.  Here are a few pictures from this week and last.
HUG magnet---yes he is!

Cute little outfit from some church friends! Thank you Millazzos!  He hasn't flown with daddy yet but maybe next year!

Snuggling with mommy 

Cool cat..ready for our morning walk

Stop number two at Cracker Barrel on his first road trip with Lucy and Ethyl.

He looked just like Neil with his expression…or maybe it was the snoring! HA!

Snuggled in tight in his carseat.

Stretching after the long trip.  Loved being held by Great-grandmother Sue

Learning to's hard to catch on camera

Razorback knit cap from Aunt Courtney…He can't wait to wear it.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

the kids these days

Something strange happened to me tonight…yes I am posting this at 1:30 am…I was awake, holding my newborn son and I had the overwhelming urge to pray (that isn't so strange but the subject of my prayer is…) for my son's future wife.  Yep you read correctly, I fully believe that Christ allows us to have feelings like that because they are needed.  I pray for the future wife of my son and for her parents. I pray that they love her as much as I love him.  I pray that they love Christ more.  I pray that she is well-fed, that they hold her, that they give her attention and love endlessly, but that they also teach her discipline.  I pray that they remain married and that they teach her about Jesus and His love for her.  I pray that they show her that she is beautiful in his sight and that she doesn't need to seek physical love or degrade herself for approval of men that don't see her worth.  I pray that she is a Proverbs 31 woman.  Lastly, I pray that I am able to teach my son to appreciate that woman and to know her when he meets her.  "Her worth is far more than rubies…" I don't know why I was prompted to pray that prayer but I know that those things are becoming far more rare these days.  WOW, becoming a mom is rough…I don't have enough to worry about for today. I am worrying about something years away and someone I don't even know yet.  Thank you Jesus for this precious little blessing!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Eli 6 weeks

Well, as predicted, I am posting much less than before. I'd say that considering all I have to do other than blogging and the fact that showering is a luxury right now that it is no surprise.  Eli and I were able to accompany my mom on a trip to Kansas for a long weekend.  This was his first out of town trip and he did incredible.  There were some issues with not wanting to go to bed on time the second night we were there and again tonight after sleeping all the way there and all the way home, but who could blame him.  I am always a little off after a trip too.  He also got to ride in the Moby all over Ikea, which was a blast for mom and Nana.  He got to meet lots of family that hadn't seen him yet.  He is still super gassy and after experimenting a little on my own, I decided to call and talk to a nurse today.  The verdict is continue with the anti-gas diet and also no lactose…Milocon prior to eating and see what happens.  I wouldn't care so much about the obnoxiously loud toots if he weren't also in pain with the gas and with a BM.  That will break your heart because there is so little you can do to help!.  We just recovered from a slight meltdown, let me tell you this little guy has a temper. Everyone is listing their things they are thankful for on facebook right now and I have to say mine tonight is the Moby wrap.  This thing is a miracle worker.  Little man cried off and on for an hour (thanks to me having caffeine plus time change plus recovering from the trip) finally after holding and nursing and rocking and a million times putting pacifier in and rocking the vibrating chair…I went and got the Moby and wrapped this peanut up.  I kid you not he was barely awake long enough for me to pee, change into pj pants and brush my teeth. (all of those things seem to be a luxury now).  The kid is unconscious now…I am just wondering how I am going to get him out and into his bed to sleep! It should be interesting to see what kinds of things we give in to just to make him happy. Never say never---I have learned that quickly! I was thinking the other day how life and your decision making process changes.  I never thought I'd have to make a choice between the risk of waking the sleeping baby vs. trying to hold in your pee overnight(can you say bladder infection?)  Also he makes the funniest faces and I just know he is going to have a hilarious personality!  He also got his first haircut tonight.  Just a trim over the ears but he has needed it since he was born.  Of course I saved the hair for his scrapbook! Another choice to make…get up to get the cord and load pics or wait and try to do it tomorrow.  See ya tomorrow friends!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Eli 1 month

Eli is so precious to us already.  I am finding it hard to believe that he is 4 1/2 weeks old already!  Right now he loves to eat. He will take short spans of time in his bouncy chair, but mostly he likes to be held close to mommy.  He likes baths and will lie very still with wide eyes while you bathe him or sprinkle water on his tummy.  He is very good at spraying  mommy with pee-pee during the night or when he gets into the warm bath.  He is very gassy! Little Eli toots a lot! and big Man burps after eating.  Mom has to make sure to burp him well so that he doesn't have lots of pain with tummy gas.
This month we are starting to work on our sleep patterns.  Eli is a good sleeper if he is being held but does not like to sleep in cradle or crib alone.  I am re-reading Babywise for some encouragement on my technique for training him.   Round one at nap time today went poorly.  It ended with both of us crying and me holding Eli for his nap.  I talk a mean game but when your baby is crying so hard he chokes and is beat red because he is so mad, you pick him up.  So Eli: 1 Mom: 0----I have decided that we won't try again until I have some moral support.  Also maybe we will start working our way up to nap time alone by doing small stretches of time in bed without being held. 
The thing is I hate it because I want to hold him and snuggle him all day long, but nothing gets done that way.  And he needs to learn how to sleep and fall back asleep and soothe himself during the night on his own.  I can already see that shots aren't going to go well… his cries just break my heart even if it is for his own good!
One thing I have learned already is that I will never criticize someone's parenting decisions---you don't know what you will do until you have your own child.  If it weren't dangerous I would just let him sleep with me but that wouldn't be best for our marriage or for him; it would just be the easy thing to do.
Also I am already dreading going back to work in December, even though it is just part-time.  It will be tough to leave this little guy.  It is still so amazing to me that he is mine…that I have my very own child. I just want to sit and look at his little face all day.  I could kiss him a million times and stroke his cheek and change his diapers and hold him forever.  I love this age. I love him so much and I can't imagine anything more precious.  God gave me this little guy to care for and he outweighs any other task.  I can't even bare to think about going back to work and how much I will miss him!
I left him with my mom while Neil and I went on a dinner date a week or so ago.  It was tough but I see the need for spending time with my hubby.  I am looking forward to being able to work out again so Neil and I can run or work out together. I think it will help me emotionally and physically to feel better if I can get back to my old self and my old size.  Right now I just look like I have a beer gut and that can't be attractive.  Also I am ready for Eli to get his shots so we feel more comfortable about taking him places.  I am ready to go back to church and I am ready to show off my little peanut.  
For now here are his one month pictures, I took several photos.

Little Tiger Fan

Halloween picture/1 month, Little lamb is bigger than he is! I bet that doesn't last long.

Silly Faces!

Friday, October 14, 2011

How it went down

I didn't talk much about how the C-section happened and what it was like.  I was so nervous and excited that I didn't sleep much the night before. Neil's parents came into town and we had a nice dinner. I took a bath and went to bed early but couldn't sleep.  At around 3 in the morning, I had to get up and go to the restroom, I was having lots of cramping so I took another bath and tried to relax.  Finally at about 3:30 am I got back in bed and slept for about 30 minutes. Then it was time to wake up and get clothes on to get to the hospital for my 5 am call time!  I was so nervous that I took us to the wrong floor first. We went to the nursery floor and then had to take the elevator back down to Labor and Delivery.  They got me a room very quickly then gave me a gown and hooked up my IV and monitor for the baby and contractions.  All that stomach trouble was because I was contracting fairly frequently but Eli was doing great---he had one little heart-rate drop when I almost fainted during the IV fiasco. It had to be replaced and part of it came loose and I bled like a stuck pig.  (I think I could watch someone else bleed to death but if I see my own blood, it is all over!)  About that time the family all made it there, and we hung out until it was time to go to the operating room.  Once in the OR, I moved over to the operating table.  Instead of an epidural, I got a spinal injection to numb me from the waist down. It was not bad at all.  I felt a few tiny pricks then some pressure.  Almost immediately my legs got numb and I relaxed.  There were several nursing students (I found out later) watching my surgery and they ended up helping to take care of me the next day.  It was kind of cool, but at the time of surgery it was weird.  As soon as my legs started to numb, they pulled up my gown and started the catheter.  Modesty was not an option ; ) Everyone in there saw all of my business.  Then Neil was allowed into the OR and they started very quickly.  My doctor and another one came in and talked to me while they were working.  They allowed Neil to watch it all over the curtain and even told him he could take pictures, which I vetoed.  I felt a lot of tugging and pushing/ pulling but no pain.  I have never been so happy to hear a cry before.  My doctor said something about him pooping and then immediately said he was peeing too. "All the pipes are working!" Then they moved him to the side of me so I could see and weighed and measured, performed his APGAR test (9). Then they let Neil carry him back to the recovery room.  After they were done with me, Neil, Eli and I were able to bond for a little while and I was allowed to nurse Eli.  HE did great, latched right on and has been a great little eater.  Then our family was allowed to come in and visit and get to see Eli.  They took great care of us. All of the nurses were so good to me and made me comfortable the entire time I was there.  I was comfortable enough to want to stay an extra night just to make sure I was good to go home.   The only bad spot of Eli's birth was that he had a terrible case of baby acne.  It was so severe around his eyes that his little eyes were swollen shut almost and very red and splotchy.  It was the worst on the day of his circumcision; that was a tough day for both of us.  He was not himself due to the anesthetic they used and his baby acne made him look pitiful.  I cried and was emotional all day and even a week later looking at pictures of that day.  He looks perfect now and there is no sign of the baby acne bumps that were there.  Honestly, the pain was minor and there was never a time when I would say my pain even went above a level 5…I did take some Lortab a few times to keep it low.  In all the C-section was no problem and I would do it again for sure.  I don't have anything to compare it to but it was quick and my baby was delivered safely and relatively pain free.  I feel so blessed to have this little guy here.

Neil and I getting ready to go to the OR. Neil in his fancy outfit.

Me getting to hold Eli for the first time. Neil is a proud dad!

Looking at his little face…still can't feel my legs at this point ; )

My mom holding Eli.

Sweet little face.  already sucking on his little fingers.

JO JO holding baby ELi

Neil is watching over Eli very closely!

getting footprints for the baby book

finishing getting dressed, ready to go home

not happy

Mom and Dad soothing Eli

Proud parents!

Packed up and ready to ride

waiting for dad, who pulled up in…A NEW CAR!!!!

Dad loading Eli into the new car to go home

Mom getting in back seat to ride with Eli. Going Home!!!