Well anyone following this blog can see that I am terrible at consistency--even when it is something that I want to do-like writing. I let myself get distracted. I had intentions to write on Wednesday and everyday since and here I am on Saturday night finally writing!
Another example of my inconsistency is that I finally gave in to Neil and the dogs are right back in the bed with us. He kept sneaking them into bed after I fell asleep and finally I just gave in---I didn't want to, but there was no way for me to break them of crying at night if he kept letting them back in with us! So we are back at square one with them.
That has me really thinking or worrying about so many things that are coming our way in the next 7 months. (Can you believe it, I am already 3 mo along?) I am thinking a lot now about what life will be like with baby Brogden. What will he/she be like? Will he/she cry a lot? Sleep during the night? Nurse well? Have allergies or health problems? What will I do when things go wrong? What if he/she cries all the time and I can't figure out what's wrong?
I have always been great with kids. I babysit. I keep my nephew, McCade. I work in the nursery at church. I should be fine to take care of a child. I am certainly far better suited to care for a child than any of the teen moms that are on TV or that come into the office. Yet I am nervous and I worry and wonder about what is to come. I know that the fears are irrational and probably more hormone related than anything else but they persist in the back of my mind.
I also have been having trouble sleeping since last week. I had a little scare with a bad stomach bug that made me miss work on Monday. I was concerned for baby Brogden and stayed in bed all day until Neil got home. Since then I have been feeling better physically, but I think I have been more fearful and emotionally more needy. Up until then the fears of miscarriage had pretty much disappeared but in an instant they all came back Monday morning and now I can't help them crossing my mind. God is in control and he can keep baby Brogden strong and growing if it is his will. That was just a little reminder to me that I don't control anything, GOD DOES.
Also this week, several of my friends had kids fall ill with different types of things. Several pretty serious. That also got me thinking about how I have another little person to worry about. Someone whom I am responsible, someone who depends on me to make sure that all is right in their world, and if it isn't they need me to make it right.
Finally, tonight I realized that before any of that stuff happens, I have to actually give birth to that sweet little one. So now I am thinking about all of the plans and preparation involved in giving birth, including what it will feel like, how long labor will last, will I be able to deliver vaginally, what the end of my pregnancy will be like, how Neil will do with me being in pain, will I be able to be strong enough to keep calm and not cry or make a fuss? See how it goes with me?---always questioning!
I actually haven't been praying specifically for any of those things. I am praying for God to give me peace and good health for me and baby and for baby to develop perfectly. I think I will start praying for each question I have, that all of the answers will turn out just as God plans it, and that my heart and mind will be strong and prepared for every result. I haven't always been the best at prayer--again--inconsistent. Until it came to praying for this child---I prayed for baby Brogden daily. I now have a very specific and very long list of prayers for others as well as myself and it grows daily, but when a prayer is answered I mark it down and put the answer in the margin of the page. I have such a long list but it is keeping me faithful to each prayer now. It was an idea given to me by my mentor and I would recommend it to anyone who has difficulty with prayer, it keeps me on track and consistent and faithful to those I promise I will pray for.
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise: you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely…For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:1-3,13,16