You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise: you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely…For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:1-3,13,16

Friday, February 18, 2011

Day by Day

Since I announced that I was pregnant, 3 other people I know have announced that they will be due in October as well.  I am excited for them as I am myself and can't wait to share all of the awesomeness (and not-so-awesomeness) that goes along with it.  Unfortunately, one of the people that I found out was pregnant was a patient of mine. This week when she came in for her follow-up, she had miscarried.  I took it really hard yesterday.  She was very stoic when she told me and I hugged her and teared up.  One thing that was nice was that I was able to talk to her about my experience and tell her that it was not her fault and that she could not blame herself.  She felt responsible…don't we all?…for something she had no control over and couldn't have stopped.  One thing that seemed good about the situation is that she was seeing a female practitioner who talked with her about everything and was sympathetic.  She said the hardest part was telling her family that she had lost the pregnancy.
   So many people who have not experienced miscarriage don't realize the reason the convention of waiting a little while before telling others about the pregnancy is because of the difficulty of that loss and sharing it afterward.  For a woman motherhood begins the moment you see the stick change color.  All the plans of 9 months pass before your eyes in a moment.  Listening to the heartbeat or seeing that little jelly bean on the monitor is icing on the cake, but you feel different instantly.  Your emotions and hope begin to grow along with that tiny little one. You never think that you will be the one who experiences that loss.  It happens more than you know or realize.  I think maybe I feel responsible for educating people about that. The way it feels when you are trying to get pregnant and everyone around you seems to be. (I haven't forgotten all you girls-You know who you are that are on my list---I think about you everyday-everytime I feel sick or rub my tummy and thank God for my blessing.) Or when you have a loss and others around you go on like nothing has changed.  It seems like your hope has been crushed. There is a line in a song right now…I think it might be Matthew West, the song is called Your Love. He says, "Though my innocence was taken, not everything was lost…" I have sung that song with lots of things in mind, but this in particular seems to be on my mind lately.  Sometimes as Christians we take for granted that things are easy when we follow God's ways, but we live in a fallen world. Sin is all around it and we mix in with it whether we want to or not. Our bodies aren't perfect, we aren't perfect, those around us are not perfect and because of all of that, we suffer. God hurts with us and he wishes it were not so. That's why he sent his son to conquer that suffering and death. Because of Him we won't be conquered by death, we will be raised to walk with Him again, with perfect bodies and minds made to praise Him and made to live forever with Him in eternity, free of sin and pain.  What a spectacular thing to look forward to!  Though my innocence was taken, not everything was lost----Though I can see how sinful this world is around me and though I feel the pain and hurt of my mortal body, not everything is lost-I will one day be able to walk with Jesus with all my scars healed and my innocence returned to me. I will one day walk in paradise with my Jesus if I just carry on with my eyes focused squarely on His face during my time down here.

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